I never thought I’d actually cry tears of joy when something hopeful happened in my life.
And I never thought I’d come so close to fainting in sheer excitement.
It felt unreal and I felt my heart exploding with excitement in my chest, I could hear it, see it pulsating underneath my skin, feel it shaking my entire body. I could barely breathe–air came with great difficulty in shallow hiccups and gasps and nervous laughter. My vision blurred, my eyes losing ability to focus rolling back into my head for a moment, tears squeezing out of their springs in my eyes.
Was this actually happening?
No, it was a false alarm.
But because of it I realized how I really felt about the situation–my heart is set, my mind is solidified in its decision, there’s no going back, no giving up.
I know what I want.
And that is you.
I’ll make you breakfast before you get up in the morning. I’ll be sure to have a side of blueberry milk with your favorite pancake recipe.
And Cracker Jack can be a part of our weekly diet, if you want.
We’d never have time for friends because they’ll never be able to keep up with us and where we are on any given week–you’ll get so annoyed with me every time I stop you because my artsy eye catches a unique photo opportunity. But later you’ll thank me, I tell you.
I’ll beat you in a race across the lake in Merriam.
And on the weekends, we’ll dress like it’s Edward Morrow times and swing down 18th and Vine.
Meeting you for the first time again before all this–that will be the day.
I won’t have to write on my wrist any longer, save places on my phone anymore. I won’t have to wonder. I won’t have to wish or dream because I’ll have you to answer my calls when I’m stressed out, stuck in flood traffic while you shovel snow off your car, when I’m lonely.
One day I’ll fall for you harder than I’ve ever fallen for anyone before. I’ve proven to myself that I will, at the breath of a small miscommunication, at the simple thought that I had you in my grasp once again. I cried.
Yes. I actually cried. And it felt hysterically wonderful.
Maybe I’ve met my end.
No, not my life’s end–good grief, I’ve got so many goals to achieve.
I mean my love’s end. Maybe I’ve already met him and now my heart knows what it’s like to meet someone so significant and it’s felt the happiest it could possibly be, and everything else pales, blanches, in comparison; everything else dissipates in his presence, blinded, pierced by his overpowering light.
No one else could even dream of overshadowing him.
Maybe the ghost inside me knows he’s something special, that I shouldn’t give up on him. It claws at my heartstrings, yanking and breaking them, when I try to move on, be with someone else. I feel like I have to try with every fiber of my being to feel with someone else the way he made me feel. It doesn’t ever feel right, nor does it ever end well.
I guess I could never admit it aloud because I didn’t know or… maybe I was too scared.
And now I do. Now, I know.
How could I forget you?
This is the last time you’ll see me here, but some part of me is frantic about probably never seeing you after this. I could hardly give anyone a logical reason why.
How could I possibly tell you I won’t be here anymore?
But you were the one who reassured me–you’d remember me.
And for some odd reason, I actually felt like I was in Atlanta again, but the only difference is…
We’re not 800 miles apart.
He’ll forever and always remain a mystery.
I know where he is, who he is, yet I don’t know anything about him or where he disappears off to after the brief moments I see him.
I wonder what happened in the past twelve or thirteen years of his life I wasn’t a part of, the long hiatus after I left. Why is he always by himself? I see his family almost every week.
He has the face of a young boy but the instant he smiles, he looks the twenty years he is now, handsome as ever.
It is slightly disappointing that I only have so many chances to catch up to him, learn what is going on in his life.
Sometime a little less than a decade ago, I ran into him at the video store. I knew he recognized me then because when his eyes met mine, time slowed and he didn’t speak, frozen in place, forgetting momentarily that he had to catch his energetic baby brother.
When I see him now, his eyes always find their way to the ground when he shakes hands, wishes peace. I remember the one time I spoke to him after all these years, he didn’t recognize me–not that I expected him to–but it didn’t occur to me that we had a mutual close friend.
We haven’t met eyes since then.
Every time I hear this song it reminds me of those times when you waited up on me so we could walk to the parking lot together after class.
It boggled my mind when thinking you first approached me, and I remember the best thing ever was making you laugh.
And even though now we’re merely strangers in passing, I can only recall those flying, fleeting, fluttery moments after my life started once again.
He kissed me in the cold of the Swiss Alps.
Hasty and tasteless, brazen.
Everything embodied, the independent, powerful, young woman, ruined.
The cable cars rattled and creaked in the distance, icy waters lapped against the banks serenely.
But a storm brewed in my heart.
Where had the strength and self-sufficiency gone? All that remained was the brittle shell of a lost girl.
Pleas across the pond dissipated within arm’s reach, too weak, too feeble to make it far.
And in the end, a love lost only for lessons to be learned.