Hands, My Vice

March 30, 2017

I have a hard time telling between age groups by faces. Some have baby faces through their late twenties, but for others, puberty treated them better than it did me.

But one thing I love about everyone is their hands; I can’t tell between a 24- and a 25-year-old but I can differentiate between late twenties and thirties, or late thirties and​ forties and so on. I just love hands and I don’t really know why.

I just get a sense of intimacy with people’s hands–scars, nail shapes, wrinkles, visible veins–it’s like I could read their story in their fingers or palms.

They’re hands to hold, hands to create, hands to soothe. Hands that have held, hands that have created, hands that have soothed. And if they become a part of your life their hand can hold and soothe yours, and stories behind your hands can come together, too, creating a new story for the both of you.

Off Days

March 29, 2017

My morning class was interrupted by phones here and there going off with a warning about a heavy rainstorm and the possibility of a tornado.

You know, there are those days when you feel like total garbage. Those days when you manage to narrowly miss rush hour on the way to class, but nearly pop a tire by accidentally driving up on the curb. Those days when your professor releases you from class an hour early, but you have to make up for it later, sacrificing your own time outside of the course schedule. Those days when you feel so high in the sky about your courses and academic progress, but all your professors are in a foul mood because there’s something in the air, tension or otherwise.

There’s really no better way to describe those days other than…

They really suck.

But I guess the only explanation for them would be that it is simply inevitable that we would all face trashy days like these and the best we can do is cope and power through them however we have to–crying alone in the bathroom, venting your frustrations to your poor colleagues or close friends, writing a blog about it…

And just getting on with the other thousands of days of your life that you have to look forward to.

It might feel like all your days are like this and you will never feel sure about yourself or your studies or your life choices again, but, according to my older and wiser friends and acquaintances, it will eventually smooth out–and I’m sure of it. I’m only a semester into this damn program, but I refuse to waste any time because it’s unorganized or because I’m overwhelmed by the amount of work and study I have to put out.

I want my life to start now and there is no force of God above or power of the fiery hell below that could stop me from getting there.

Strange Dichotomy

March 28, 2017

I spent the entire day procrastinating then long boarding my problems away until the sun went down.

You told me that I was like the light side of your darkness, that I was the purest thing you’d ever had in your life while you, on the other hand, were not the most innocent, as though I didn’t have clandestine regrets in my life. I can’t stop thinking about all things you’ve said to me in the long time I’ve known you, wanting to appreciate your efforts to be “cute” but also wanting to vomit.

If I you say I’m your other half, I’m the light to your dark, I’m the one who saves lives while you take them, what does that make us?

It’s a Like-like Thing

March 27, 2017

I like your goals. I like your ambiton. I like where you want to go in life; I like where you see yourself. I like your discipline. I like the way you dress.

I like your toothy grin and I like the soft smile you wear when you listen to me babbling because I forget how to talk around you.

I like your taste in food. I like your cute little hidden talents. I like your tendencies. I like that thing you do with your eye when you talk. I like the things that surprise me about you. I like what you are. I like what makes you your amazing, unique self.

I like how you naturally don’t let me blow up my ego. I like how you keep me grounded every time we talk. I like how you do this without even knowing you do.

I like how geeky you are. I like how you still have a child in you, but you’re also ahead of your time. I like how you can pick up on unspoken feelings. I like how you don’t divert the conversation when others normally would (I read people, and you’ve been an exception, every time).

I like how my heart feels when I look at you. I like how you never break eye contact when you’re talking to me, or when you’re listening to me. I really like your occasional chuckle when I stutter like a fool. I really like how impressive you are, how much you impress me. I really like how you act out scenarios. I really like when you tell me about yourself.

I really like how you make me feel like I’m in a movie.

I really like your intuition. I really like your sheer intelligence. I really like your kind heart. I really like your inclusiveness. I love your chivalry. I love your height. I love how I feel like I’ve known you forever. I love how I don’t have to worry about being judged by you.

I love how your smile is the one thing I remembered you by before I actually met you. I really love your smile. I love your understanding. I love your perseverance. I love your enthusiasm. I love your genuine interest​. I love when you ask me how my day was and you actually want to know.

I love that little inflection in your voice when you’re trying to be persuasive or convincing. I really love the way you treat me because that’s just the sweet type of person you are. I love you–I mean…

I like-like you.

Props to You

March 26, 2017

I learned the hard way that staying sane amidst madness is exhausting.

But it is also worth it in the long run because no one can survive being pressured and beaten senseless without end.

I’ve been relaxing lately, despite the stresses I’ve been going through because of school, and even though I stayed up past midnight finishing my paperwork, slacking was totally worth it.

Sometimes people don’t understand the importance of having a break, an escape from reality, every once in a while.

If you’re under a lot of pressure, too, then go ahead and do it, put down your books and papers.

You deserve it after all you’ve lived through.

Tomorrow

March 25, 2017

I’ve never been so afraid to go to sleep. I’ve never been so afraid to sleep and wake up with something missing from my life. I’ve never feared so deeply of the inevitable.
I’d avoided it, thinking it was simply absurd, that it wasn’t actually happening, that he wouldn’t have to leave. But…

Tomorrow, well before the sun rises, he’ll be gone…


Tonight, people are partying, getting drunk, having the time of their lives, while making bad decisions. Never for a second does their mortality cross their mind, just the immunity to the influence of alcohol. They don’t realize how much others have to sacrifice to maintain that simplicity of life. They take for granted the friends and loved ones of theirs who genuinely care about them, the sober ones who would drive them home safely, the ones who disapprove of their juvenile habits and tendencies, the ones who care about what their future may hold for them, and the ones who don’t even know what illegal madness they’re engaging in. Tonight, they live once to the fullest their jugs will go.

But, tonight, I received some of the most powerful and emotional news I have gotten in… years.

Easily.

I finally understood the meaning of mortality and that one day, tomorrow may not exist for some.

I hate that I can only express myself at the very last minute, when he’s nearly gone. But I can only hope that he’ll know from the remorse I feel for my lack of communicating, or being able to communicate, how much he means to me. I can hope that he knows how much he’s inspired me to be myself, to reward myself and love myself because, according to him, I should appreciate the talents and character I have because, according to him, it’s amazing and I’m beautiful.

Of course, I never believed him when he told me that, but now I can’t take it lightly anymore and for some reason, this time, it’s different, the way he means it.

He’s taught me a lot in the years I’ve known him. He’s the only one who’s ever convinced me how cool my talents were and how beautiful I was. He’s probably the first person who’s ever liked me for me; he fell for me in the most unfortunate time of my life (my early years of high school). He’s made me think about things in the future that I’d never thought about before. He’s shown me that there’s always a way back from a dark place. He impresses himself with things he’s said and done but doesn’t remember he said and did them until I show him my previous blogs about him–nobody is perfect and neither he nor I are exceptions, but I love it. I’m weird, we’re weird, and that’s okay, he makes me feel okay about it.

You don’t know what you have until it’s nearly gone. Please, I beg of you, take nothing for granted, absolutely nothing and no one. You’ll regret not assuring that every night, the people you care about know you care about them.

The desperation I feel is overwhelming. I’ve thought about him so often, yet he never knew that…

He owes me a picnic with red moscato and caprice, and overdue burgers and shakes, and cozying up to rom-coms with red wine. The day he told me he loved station wagons with wood paneling detail on the sides was the day we got Panera bread for lunch (the first day he’d ever driven me in his white sedan) and he gave me a stuffed monkey with velcro hands that I have to this day, hanging onto the fruit basket in my house.

That was the last day I saw him in person before he left for camp.

We shook on it tonight: he promised to be there for my 21st birthday with music. He told me to wear something nice because I was going to teach him how to dance when we picnicked at a nice park somewhere up in my area (and yes, I did warn him that I didn’t know how to dance anyway, but we’d still swing to some Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong).

I have to thank Karen for this, really. She’s the reason he and I had met in the first place.

And I can only hope and pray and wish that my ‘I love you’ is enough to give him reason to make it back safely.

Half a Mystery

March 24, 2017

I keep thinking about you and I know exactly why, but for some reason I feel like I need to convince myself that that’s what I actually feel for you.

How would I get to know you? How do I find a reason to spend time with you? How do I even start a conversation with you? With everyone else, it’s so, so easy; meeting new people, talking on a daily basis, meaningful or not. But more often than not, I find myself starting a conversation with you in my head and wondering the entire time when something will go south–which makes me fear of ruining something before it’s even begun.

I have the tendency to chase away things I most care about. And I either need reassurance or I just need to go ahead and do it already because, for all I know, you could be thinking the exact same thing.

Crush

March 23, 2017

I didn’t think about what being interested in someone meant until my best friend told me it wouldn’t be anything special unless you came to see them every day.

I’d think about him every day, idly not intentionally. Every little thing he does would impress me, his hobbies, his skill set. I’d naturally find a reason to bring him up in the conversation, any conversation.

I feel so girly now, putting it in that perspective.

From Somewhere Amazing

March 22, 2017

I suddenly feel so light.

My heart is begging me to keep the high coming but in all honesty, I don’t even know where I’m getting it from.

When I’d given up on myself, tirelessly studying and persevering, I’d somehow found the fresh breath of air I needed to pick myself back up.

I love it.

Also, this is what I live for: bringing vibrancy into people’s lives. The best feelings I’ve ever had are when I recall memories with people I shared them with years ago, or when friends tell me I helped them remember how much they used to love music or how much they enjoyed photography and skating when they were in high school, or how they reminisc on their younger days just from a bite of the apple chips I baked.

To say it warms my heart would be vastly understating it. I get this flitting, floaty feeling in my heart that makes me shout-sing with the windows down in the car while I happen to land every green light on the way home. I get this feeling that I’m doing a lot better than I thought despite the worries and pressures bearing down on me. My heart flutters at the mere thought of getting through​ the week because of this high I really can’t explain.

I probably have enough of this feeling to share with the whole world–and I wish I could share it because I didn’t think I could ever love a stressful Wednesday as this so, so much without a single reason not to.

Lucky Charm

March 21, 2017

I woke up this morning to the song of creativity buzzing in my ear, so I had to alleviate it with journaling.

Even though I’ve been stressed out about major and menial things alike, I’ve had many reasons to call myself lucky.

I’ve been blessed with good fortune and great company and if I had the choice, I would find a way to thank the whole world for this incredible life.