March 25, 2017

I’ve never been so afraid to go to sleep. I’ve never been so afraid to sleep and wake up with something missing from my life. I’ve never feared so deeply of the inevitable.
I’d avoided it, thinking it was simply absurd, that it wasn’t actually happening, that he wouldn’t have to leave. But…

Tomorrow, well before the sun rises, he’ll be gone…

Tonight, people are partying, getting drunk, having the time of their lives, while making bad decisions. Never for a second does their mortality cross their mind, just the immunity to the influence of alcohol. They don’t realize how much others have to sacrifice to maintain that simplicity of life. They take for granted the friends and loved ones of theirs who genuinely care about them, the sober ones who would drive them home safely, the ones who disapprove of their juvenile habits and tendencies, the ones who care about what their future may hold for them, and the ones who don’t even know what illegal madness they’re engaging in. Tonight, they live once to the fullest their jugs will go.

But, tonight, I received some of the most powerful and emotional news I have gotten in… years.


I finally understood the meaning of mortality and that one day, tomorrow may not exist for some.

I hate that I can only express myself at the very last minute, when he’s nearly gone. But I can only hope that he’ll know from the remorse I feel for my lack of communicating, or being able to communicate, how much he means to me. I can hope that he knows how much he’s inspired me to be myself, to reward myself and love myself because, according to him, I should appreciate the talents and character I have because, according to him, it’s amazing and I’m beautiful.

Of course, I never believed him when he told me that, but now I can’t take it lightly anymore and for some reason, this time, it’s different, the way he means it.

He’s taught me a lot in the years I’ve known him. He’s the only one who’s ever convinced me how cool my talents were and how beautiful I was. He’s probably the first person who’s ever liked me for me; he fell for me in the most unfortunate time of my life (my early years of high school). He’s made me think about things in the future that I’d never thought about before. He’s shown me that there’s always a way back from a dark place. He impresses himself with things he’s said and done but doesn’t remember he said and did them until I show him my previous blogs about him–nobody is perfect and neither he nor I are exceptions, but I love it. I’m weird, we’re weird, and that’s okay, he makes me feel okay about it.

You don’t know what you have until it’s nearly gone. Please, I beg of you, take nothing for granted, absolutely nothing and no one. You’ll regret not assuring that every night, the people you care about know you care about them.

The desperation I feel is overwhelming. I’ve thought about him so often, yet he never knew that…

He owes me a picnic with red moscato and caprice, and overdue burgers and shakes, and cozying up to rom-coms with red wine. The day he told me he loved station wagons with wood paneling detail on the sides was the day we got Panera bread for lunch (the first day he’d ever driven me in his white sedan) and he gave me a stuffed monkey with velcro hands that I have to this day, hanging onto the fruit basket in my house.

That was the last day I saw him in person before he left for camp.

We shook on it tonight: he promised to be there for my 21st birthday with music. He told me to wear something nice because I was going to teach him how to dance when we picnicked at a nice park somewhere up in my area (and yes, I did warn him that I didn’t know how to dance anyway, but we’d still swing to some Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong).

I have to thank Karen for this, really. She’s the reason he and I had met in the first place.

And I can only hope and pray and wish that my ‘I love you’ is enough to give him reason to make it back safely.


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