Auquel j’appartiens

April 29, 2017


If I knew you’d come along so soon, I would have given you my heart on the spot. It’s still yours to keep. Nothing else makes more sense (or less sense) than what fate is tempting me with. Nothing else has worked out for a reason. Nothing else has felt right for a reason.

There will never be another you.

Everything else guides me a step closer to you. My old-fashioned heart yearns to be there, less than a million people and more than a million stars to wish upon, surrounded by history and zeitgeist of the jazz era. They say you meet that “one” person before you’re twenty-one. I was nineteen.

It might be a year or two longer, but I’m willing to wait. Some things are just worth the wait and to find out what my heart is telling me, after so much time has passed to still feel the same, is one of them.


Talk of the Town

April 26, 2017

I recall being a high school student, doing her best to live as much of a “normal” teenage life as possible and utterly failing.

Since the creation of my winter concert dress my freshman year, I’d continued attempting to re-purpose old, worn-out garments lying around, unmoving in my wardrobe. I spent hours upon hours watching sewing tutorials every break I had, constructing countless other projects, learning something every step of the way.

And during my senior year I began the inevitable process of self-discovery. I had ambitions almost too good for my capabilities, and knowing that, I decided to make my own prom dress—what better way to break free of my own comfort zone than to design, draft, and sew my own gown with the little experience I have creating such a project for such a major event?

Come the summer of senior year, I’d begun designing my dress in October (which I later learned would be more difficult than I originally imagined as I continuously changed the design, even towards its completion). And instead of studying for my calculus final and working on my French homework, I spent countless hours drafting and re-drafting my dress out of a poor, old bed sheet, hand sewing and seam ripping until my wrist developed a cyst from the overexertion.

The turnout was significantly better than I imagined, never feeling less than a princess every time I wore it, whether I was simply trying it on for fitting or wearing it the day of prom. Leading up to the event, my friends and family knew I was sleeplessly working on it, anticipation accumulating for the seven months I spent on it. If I waited any longer to show them, I think they might have exploded.

The big reveal happened the evening of the first prom I attended, when my parents posted pictures from my prom shoot, I posted pictures from the prom shoot, I sent pictures to friends at my school from the prom shoot. And at that first prom, (with my then-boyfriend at his school’s respective prom), strangers at my date’s school approached me asking about the prom dress I made that my date went around telling everyone about. The second prom I attended was for my own school, (fun fact: I snuck into the second prom—another one of my proudest high school accomplishments, obviously) and by that time, my classmates and their teachers, my friends and their families, friends of my friends’ friends, and the workers at Ruggles Green all knew about my dress. The second prom I attended, people I didn’t even think acknowledged my existence in school were hunting for me on the dance floor to see this “amazing dress” everyone buzzed about.

Looking back on it, that was probably the most inspirited I’d ever felt about something I had an inextinguishable passion for. It was my crowning moment and it served as the spring board for my most ambitious and hopes and dreams. I had proven to myself that, in spite of the doubt I had to complete such a task, I did it.

I freakin’ did it.

I Stole The Sun From You

April 25, 2017

Today, somewhere else in the world, at some other instance in history, something amazing may have happened.

I have no idea what that could possibly be.

But I do know that today, it’s cloudy, even a bit rainy where you are and I’m jealous—I absolutely adore “gloomy” weather. It’s sunny and warm here, as it will be all week.

I just can’t wait until the day I steal the love you have for that city straight from you, too, right under your nose, and take you here instead. I love where I am, being anywhere with you would be worlds better.

It’s been months already, but I’ve not stopped thinking about it. I’ve changed since that day. I don’t know if it was that I matured or if that day was more than just a knee-weakening encounter. My frivolous, flittering heart has stilled and not a single soul has moved my heart since then. No one has felt more right than you.

I hope one day I’ll feel that way again.

Someday I’ll Be Saturday Night

April 24, 2017

(Yes, I just quoted a Bon Jovi classic.)

Today, I had the most productive day I’ve had in a long while, despite the fact that I nearly passed out in the library while studying after being exhausted from work only a few hours prior (although I can’t say the same for the girl in the seat next to me, her head fell and made that table echo).

I can’t help but feel accomplished for once, especially since, more often than not, it feels like I’m falling behind. I managed to get a few hours of work in, caught up and had a homemade lunch with my best friend, then studied for a couple hours at the library, and to top it all off, I got in a decent workout.

Now, the whole reason I’m boring you with my day is to tell you that you can feel like you’re drowning in tasks but once you knock one out, the rest just comes along naturally.

Do what you need to help yourself relax while completing these tasks, text your friends, doodle in your notes, have a snack. It doesn’t make the experience better, just less terrible.

And most importantly, have an end goal clear in your mind. I personally visualize making the best of the two weeks of vacation I’ll have before my summer classes start. I imagine how many things I could possibly fit in each day, and it’s exciting, honestly. And in the long term, I see myself flying to a new state every few months, seeing all of the US, and hopefully, later on, all of the world.

Some places I have my heart set on and they’re waiting for me, I just know it. So I let that drive me.

I only occasionally get post responses but I’m genuinely curious: what drives you? Leave a comment?

In Retrospect

April 22, 2017

I don’t know you. I don’t know your name. I don’t know what your story is.

But I know where you’re from, where you’ve been—you told me.

I want to show you what it’s like here, how the weather is actually crazy here, that it’s not just us being dramatic, how there are parts of this city where people do drive obnoxiously large pickups. I want to show you my favorite burger joint, my favorite place to grab a coke float, the playground where I learned that I ran faster than the future track star at my school. I want to show you my progression in learning new songs on the piano and tell you about how my first recital years ago was held at a Chinese temple. I want to introduce you to the most incredible people I’ve ever known, show you the writings I’m working on, have you critique what I have thus far.

I want to know more about you. I want to know your story. I want to learn what goes through your head every day. I want to know what it’s like where you are, what’s the weather like, do you like snow? I want to know how your day was, if you’ve had any cool dreams lately, if you’ve met anyone inspiring recently. I want to read between the lines in your words. I want to see what drives you, what your favorite diner is, what it felt like to be at the game when the Royals won the World Series. I want to know you.

Will I ever know if you feel the same way?

Blog 100: Mahmilapinatapei

April 19, 2017

[noun] 1. A gaze shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something that they both desire but which neither wants to begin. (Guinness Book of Records 1994)
2. That look across the table when two people are sharing an unspoken but private moment and each knows the other understands and is in agreement with what is being expressed.
3. An expressive and meaningful silence. (

Originates from the Yaghan language of Tierra del Fuego in Argentina

I remember finding this word in a Reader’s Digest article probably eight or nine years ago and I haven’t forgotten it since because a) it’s so darn long and b) how many words have such a unique, singular meaning? I’ve thought and thought on its definition and discovered it in the quietest of places, the least expected.

Every time it materialized in my life, it was always directly in front of me, blatantly obvious, undoubtedly apparent, and so distinctly there that I could’ve been struck blind and still discovered it, guiding me to, I later realized, what I want most in my life.

I had it once before. It gave me a fluttery feeling that lifted me off the ground, easing every tension and trial from my conscience, forgetting everything else. When I think about it every now and again, I feel like dancing, shouting, wishing I could be there, firsthand, once again.

How I Lived

April 18, 2017

It’s tax day for all Americans, but fortunately, I’d taken care of mine a while ago, so it’s just another day of studying for me.

It’s a phenomenon when things go smoothly for me. For the past few months it has always felt like I’d been treading choppy water, nothing was going well, and everything came tumbling down when I went to bed every night.

Every other week I had at least three assessments, full-time worth of work to study for, and despite that, I never felt like I studied enough, come exam days. I learned the hard way that no matter how much you know, how much you study, it’s never enough and that’s just the unfortunate reality.

On days like these when I can essentially “sit around” and contemplate my life, I remember what my purpose for putting myself through it is.

I realize what my dreams are, my goals, where I want to be in a year and a couple months.

I want to be set for life with my degree, I want to have opened my online store, published my first short story, advanced my photography and music gigs, improved my calligraphy, learned how to bake a mean cake, met more amazing, influential people… The list could go on, honestly.

But I’ve got til August 2018 to attain those goals. And once we get there, I’ll tell you how I lived.

Tell Yourself

April 17, 2017

People ask me ad nauseum (yes, to the point of actual nausea) how I have so much time or money to do the things I want to do and I say the same thing every time: I make room for it.

I want someone to give me one legitimate reason not to believe in what I set my mind to.

If there’s nothing that proves me otherwise, nothing standing in the way, nothing that discourages me, why would I make excuses to give up?

Money? It doesn’t grow on trees and it won’t miraculously fall at my feet when I need it. I’ll make the money for it.

Time? It doesn’t just give itself to my schedule, and there aren’t more than 24 hours in a day. I’ll make the time for it.

I have so many hobbies that it’s ridiculous to some people. And how I manage to continue those hobbies despite what goes on in my busy life, as I have learned, is what makes them feel ashamed of or sorry for themselves. But I have told people to take a break, take weekends off, relax and forget about work or school or chores and they realized how much better they feel when going back to their daily routine. It’s not difficult to stop the cranking, rusty gears in your mind and body to revive yourself. Some think it’s a waste of time! Can you believe it?

I realized that I’m actually living by all the pep talks I received from family members and friends, from teachers, professors, all the lessons learned from philosophical books and articles, from inspiring tumblr quotes. I recall things like “Sharpen the saw” (thank you, Sean Covey) and the analogy of the jar “full” of tasks and obligations represented by golf balls and rocks and sand and beer.

I’ve tried and ultimately failed to find a single reason to not pursue what my heart wants, what my mind needs because every obstacle can be surpassed in one way or another. I just have to be strategic and creative. Other people, other obligations, and other such undertakings like school and study might seem to control how I live my life but, in reality, that’s nowhere near true.

It’s my life after all, no?

Spark and Light

April 15, 2017

Only yesterday did I have one of the greatest feelings to ever experience.

To know that I inspired someone to become something they never previously imagined themselves as, a hundred times better than they ever thought they were capable of. To know I lightened​ someone’s day with the fire of my passion and persistence and influenced​ them to press on. To know I made someone smile (despite my absence and the heavy burdens they bear) from all the memories we made.

Not much else could possibly top this feeling, really. But I have them to thank.