June 20, 2017
I want something to look forward to. Something to keep my eyes keen for, keep my chin up for. Something that will make me push forward through all the pain that lies ahead of me. Something that will make my heart hammer relentlessly in my throat.
I’m sure everyone, at one point or another in their lives, can relate to feeling like everything is falling over their head, like there’s nothing worth waging this war for and that the better solution would be to cave and watch the pillars you spent your life constructing simply tumble to the ground under pressure. I just wonder… How do they survive it?
I’m sitting in a room with walls and wallpapers covered in inspirational, motivational quotes, quotes that I’m sure many have taken for granted, myself included. But after having moments sadly to myself, I’ve since taken in my surroundings, learned to appreciate the quotes, the words of wisdom from times and people long forgotten. Maybe if I heed their command, wield their weapons of courage and fortitude, maybe, just maybe, I can make it through. Battered and broken, but stronger than I ever was.
“Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.”
June 10, 2017
Props to you, man.
Just because, after all this time, and after I was sure I did something wrong, you’re still here. In another universe, I may as well have moved out already, moved somewhere no one but my closest of peers would think to search for me.
But now, there’s you.
You deal with my antics and stupid concerns. My insecurities and brutal honesty. You don’t exactly get me, or whatever type of madness I conjure up, but you empathize nevertheless.
It’s a rare thing for people to see me, hear my story, let me bend their ear about my internal, emotional warfare and uncertainty about my future and regrets of the past. And also, to simply listen while I reminisc on moments when I acted a fool with my other foolish, enabler friends in high school.
You try your best to relate to my problems because you know it makes me feel better, despite that we come from two completely different worlds and levels of humanity and flavors of life experience.
You laugh at my jokes—wholeheartedly, might I add—even though they’re awful and lack a real punchline.
And even though I’m the type to gag at any sort of romantic gesture, you do it anyway (as I proceed to retch in response).
It’s almost overwhelming, your openness and transparency with me. I’m most assuredly not mentally and emotionally prepared for anything so pungent and palpable.
You’re pretty cool though. You get me, but not in a way that reflects me at all.
June 9, 2017
I just want to know if I’m following the correct path. There’s nothing more unsettling than knowing, or not knowing rather, I’m going down a path that could or could not be the right one. There are so many reasons why or why not I’d be happy to change routes or continue on this unpaved, undiscovered path. I would live passively, but even passiveness necessitates a heading.
Hearing the criticism, the opinions, the insight from my peers and mentors alike, I’m torn between what should happen and what I’m hoping will happen.
Should I only follow where the compass points, to the north? Something else calls me by my name, but I still have no clear image or direction from where that birdsong originates.
June 6, 2017
I feel absolutely clueless around you, like I know nothing, nothing other than how to creatively represent my cluelessness with words, like I know nothing other than how to love and how to hide it or show it. I’m as intellectual as a blade of grass when it comes to the thought of you. I’m as sturdy and solid as water at room temperature when it comes to talking about you.
I’d trust you with my life, if it were up to me. I’d give you my heart at its beat, my soul on a silver platter, just to show you how much you mean to me. If I dropped to the floor right now, I’d trust you can catch me, coming from wherever, just to see to it that I don’t hurt myself.
I know you’d take care of me—I see it in your expression whether I unintentionally meet your eyes or simply feel your gaze on the back of my head, so confident in every other conversation but the one between you and me.
June 5, 2017
Some days, I’m very sure of what I want to write about in a blog, based on that day’s events and the thoughts that run through my mind. But most days, I’m not. Some days the end goal, after everything else, is clear in my mind, but most days…
If anyone ever tells you it’s easy to “keep your eyes on the prize” and pursue whatever it is that you wish, they’re lying to you. It’s nearly impossible to spend so much devotion and dedication to something without losing a little faith, losing a little fidelity to it, especially in a low tide, a time of doubt and distress.
And sometimes, all you need is a little stroll through the park, to breathe, to forget everything you ever worried about and simply meditate on your greatest wish, your most ambitious dream, the gravity-defying and logic-denying holy grail of all wishes known and unknown to human existence.
It won’t be easy.
But you can do it.