How far I’ve come

August 30, 2017

Just how far have I come? A year later and I honestly couldn’t tell you. I started this blog sometime spring of 2016, but didn’t post on it until the beginning of August. I’ve had my heart broken several times, had my trust betrayed more than I’d like to say, lost close friends and relationships built on false premise, and I’ve felt totally abandoned more than I’ve felt safe in the company of loved ones.

But I’ve never wished I had a different life.

Because in another life, I wouldn’t have these dreams; I wouldn’t even know about them. In another life, I wouldn’t have these hardships, so I wouldn’t ever learn how to get through them. In another life, sure, maybe I would’ve been a little less miserable, but I would never have recognized what good things can come of despair.

It sucks. I’ve said it before. It really, really sucks.

But whether or not this life I’m living at this very moment is fully mine, I’m still learning how to take it by the reins and believe me, when I do, this life will be mine and no power or force of nature will have the capacity to take it from me because I will get away, I will distance myself, I will meet the world with a battle cry and live the way I damn well deserve to live. It may be a while, but just you wait and see.


Without Warning

August 16, 2017

You don’t know what relief it brings to see a familiar face after so long lost in a dizzying world composed of madmen and medical didacticisms, both holding an unconvincing and empty promise of excellence, dart-eyed, unmet gazes cast towards the ground beneath their feet instead of confidently held down their noses.

I actually smiled the moment I realised I wasn’t alone, and that I did, in fact, live the life of a younger woman and ignorant bliss did exist for me previously. I felt I was in good company for once after so long forgetting what company felt like at all.

But for once, I had a glimpse of a free-spirited past, the lost tale of a girl with dreams bigger than her. For once, my mind overlooked the prospect of graduation and the dreadful workload each semester brought. I’d forgotten nearly all that ailed my aching heart. I’ve spent so long trying to recall what pure bliss brought to my senses, how it looked, how it felt, how it sounded, and I’d just been given an intangible taste of na├»ve happiness, temporarily renouncing my apprehensions and doubts about the future. I’d even forgotten the time.

My mind has grown much too quickly for my body. I’ve become deathly afraid of repeating past mistakes, ruining my reputation, taking blind steps through darkness and in turn, leaving behind many chances for wonderful, blossoming, untameable joy. And in the absence of such magnificence for so long a time, it’s like my slate has been wiped clean, immaculate, untouched with experiences, as though they never occurred, merely figments of my erratic mind, living vicariously through others.

Sometimes, my young heart longs for warmth and compassion, but my old mind reminds me just what costs must be paid for so invaluable an item.

It was nice, what brief time it lasted.

Bridge Closed Do Not Enter

August 9, 2017

The construction for the school’s skybridge to the second, more futuristic and spacey building is so painfully close to being finished but I can’t cross it until December.

I haven’t had a day as good as this in a long while. I couldn’t feel an ounce of anger for more than a minute, the rest of it was inexplicable and uncomplicated elation.

I spent almost the entire morning before my fourth exam browsing r/wholesomememes and r/wholesomecomics on Reddit, giggling to myself and emoting dramatically at the truly adorable and moving posts.

My heart was happy, so full. And I like to think that because of that, I did phenomenally well on my exam. My classmates pointed out to me how relaxed I apparently looked.

I suppose I was abnormally calm, especially before a test. It didn’t mean much to me until I started wondering why. I don’t know…

I haven’t been this happy since I wrote the story of meeting my first real love. In that story, I went to all extremes I’d imagined to meet him, years ahead, in an unknown world, with strangers all around. I powered through what I’m currently struggling with, I moved cities, states to be there. I braved the awkwardness of being in public but knowing not a single soul within the city limits. I had a chance and took it, I took that first, second, third step. Hell, I bolted for it. I burst out the front door and didn’t let that chance slip through my fingers again.

My heart was fluttery when I finished typing that one out this past May. I wouldn’t say I felt the exact same way as then, but this time around my heart felt weightless and if you tried to tie it down I’d have to apologize and tell you you had better luck at tracking down Nessie or surviving the inevitable apocalypse.

But, just for the record, as a somewhat random note, I tried to get an oil change but couldn’t because they were shortstaffed so I ended up grocery shopping for a serednipitous theme of purple items. And to top it off, I had a decent workout after so long staying off the treadmill. Productivity makes me happy.

Oh, and my honorary mom visited me, catching me up with her busy adult life.

I suppose today I can rest well, knowing I gained a little, gave a little, but mostly knowing that my heart is still capable of feeling so much of a wonderful, potent emotion.

Out of the Blue

August 7, 2017

“I used to always think I remembered everyone but no one remembered me…” She spoke bashfully, embarrassed about disappearing on him for a year and suddenly speaking up again. Her sentimentality brought memories back of an easy summer, an easier summer elective course, and the easiest exchanges with friends in new places.

She remembered he towered over her, but she could hardly remember his face. She knew he was from the valley and he fixed cars at his dad’s shop, which explained his heavily callused fingertips and palms. She remembered he’d be going to the same school as her later on, but she didn’t give it a second thought until she realized he wasn’t there with her. She remembered the grin that appeared on his face, dipping his chin, dimpling his cheeks, when he entered the classroom while she struck the piano keys and serenaded the class prior to roll call.

“I sometimes forget who people are after meeting so many…” His voice trailed off, a pensive, unreadable expression on his face. “But I remembered you.”



August 1, 2017

At this moment in time, I was writing about my life while studying how to save one in the sweetest town I know, thinking these thoughts about exactly one year’s worth of history and growth. Walking on the skybridge makes me really see the bigger picture, why I’m enduring this, what is pushing me towards the end goal that I discovered and swore I’d dedicate my life to last year.

The sheriff’s big white SUV stood ready at the reins, the sky was a cloudy blue. I tended to the disfigured energies and brought a sweet thing out of something worrisome and disdainful all the while realizing the world is smaller than I previously thought, as I stared at a woman’s familiar short figure and cropped black hair and her son stared equally blankly while the recognition slowly melded into his expression.

I met some sweet people, young folk and their elders, all with the same mission of going home.

That is what was going on in my life, future me. I hope you cherish every moment just like I am now.