August 16, 2017
You don’t know what relief it brings to see a familiar face after so long lost in a dizzying world composed of madmen and medical didacticisms, both holding an unconvincing and empty promise of excellence, dart-eyed, unmet gazes cast towards the ground beneath their feet instead of confidently held down their noses.
I actually smiled the moment I realised I wasn’t alone, and that I did, in fact, live the life of a younger woman and ignorant bliss did exist for me previously. I felt I was in good company for once after so long forgetting what company felt like at all.
But for once, I had a glimpse of a free-spirited past, the lost tale of a girl with dreams bigger than her. For once, my mind overlooked the prospect of graduation and the dreadful workload each semester brought. I’d forgotten nearly all that ailed my aching heart. I’ve spent so long trying to recall what pure bliss brought to my senses, how it looked, how it felt, how it sounded, and I’d just been given an intangible taste of naïve happiness, temporarily renouncing my apprehensions and doubts about the future. I’d even forgotten the time.
My mind has grown much too quickly for my body. I’ve become deathly afraid of repeating past mistakes, ruining my reputation, taking blind steps through darkness and in turn, leaving behind many chances for wonderful, blossoming, untameable joy. And in the absence of such magnificence for so long a time, it’s like my slate has been wiped clean, immaculate, untouched with experiences, as though they never occurred, merely figments of my erratic mind, living vicariously through others.
Sometimes, my young heart longs for warmth and compassion, but my old mind reminds me just what costs must be paid for so invaluable an item.
It was nice, what brief time it lasted.