Perfect Instance

February 22, 2018

When you’re lost among the sweet echoes of guitar strums or slow, ethereal drum beats, sometimes you lose sight of everything else. It’s like a combination of good and bad, everything you should and shouldn’t hope to possess. The feeling of bliss that makes you forget everything else, it makes you naïve again, it makes you ignorant, vulnerable.

Do you want that?

It’s the blessing and curse of falling for someone that makes your knees buckle and creates flutters within your chest, out of your voluntary control and opposite your desire, deeming you almost completely and utterly helpless to the siren song. You wish to be grounded and logical and cold and calculating, but some unblossomed fragment of your heart now has the power to overcome and thwart your defenses, all that you spent your life fortifying and arming with the weapons you gained through time and trial and tribulation. Your conscience struggles to stay afloat, to not be dragged down into the depths of ignorant bliss.

The taste is bittersweet upon your tongue, a confusing pang resonating within your chest as you wonder whether or not this defines happiness or appeasement and as time then had slowed but never really stopped.

And even though you managed to slither your way out of its monstrous grasp, it was perfect…

In that instance.


Keep In Touch

November 30, 2017

I wonder if you meant that.

I needed this, I hope you know that. I needed something like this for a very, very long time after sinking helplessly farther into the nadir. I once felt like escape was not a realistic possibility, only a tantalizing glimmer of light in the distance. But now, I no longer feel so unconsolably trapped. I have you to thank for that. I’ll be forever grateful.

For once, my inhibitions didn’t prevent me from moving where my eyes led me, doing what my whimsical heart wished—and it was lovely. I didn’t have qualms over menial concerns or even the paralyzing fear instilled in my soul.

I felt calm.

Calm shouting over intermittent train horns. Calm from chasing shadows and catching sun flares. Calm when discovering all what I didn’t know about myself, and more so what I didn’t know about you.

I appreciate that.

If you’re wondering if this is about you, well… your guess is right.

I hope that on your journey showcasing the beauty of others, you realize the beauty within your entire being, your whole existence. Whether others, or even you, yourself, bear witness to your gift, know that it is there, intangibly but undoubtedly there.

All in summary, my heart is filled with an incomparably profound gratitude, misunderstood gratitude.

Or rather, not misunderstood, but simply unspoken.

3 Bars of Chocolate and I found myself falling for you

October 31, 2017

If I’m going to be honest, I was getting weak-kneed at the thought of kissing you.

It was a stretch hoping it’d happen, but I was aware of that long ago.

I never expected everything I discovered about you. It all came as a pleasant, refreshing surprise.

I found myself thinking about how much I trusted you yet I knew so little about you. Every guy I talked to after you just didn’t have that kick, that… Thing. I knew I couldn’t trust anyone else because their intentions were riddled with malicious intent. And I knew I could trust you, without a doubt.

You are honest, brutally so. You are a cynic but you never lie. You aren’t a stranger to weakness but you play it into your strengths. You never have anything to hide. You aren’t ashamed of who you are, what you do.

You are just you.

And I love that.

Red Plaid

October 26, 2017

His button down—it was red plaid. I swear I could never forget it. When I thought I’d never see him again, after I thought I’d lost him to the tangles of fate and time.

What bittersweet and vicarious relief floods my heavy heart.

Just another day, right?

Just another day in the life.

But days like these are meant to give you a chance to breathe, a chance to step back and not worry, even if just for a second. They’re meant to put a smile on your face if you hadn’t worn one for a long time, caught up in the hustle and bustle, the stresses of mundane cycles and repetitive and useless conversations.

I love that feeling I get sometimes, that feeling of what the future might hold, that skippy, heart-racing feeling I get when I think of what happiness lay on the path ahead, what company I’ll be graced with.

It puts a smile on my face after having not worn one for a long time.

Of Candor

October 21, 2017

I wonder if you feel young again, if being around “younger people” reminds you of the foolish tendencies you may or may not have had in high school, however long ago that was for you.

You say it’s been so long for you but, in fact, it’s only been a few years, even though a few years is plenty of room for life to change.

I wonder what life was like for you. I want to know, tell me all about it.

Recall those embarrassing stories and anecdotes from your youth. Paint a picture for me to whirl and twirl in, a picture of where you used to love going to play your favorite sports, hang out with your favorite people. Lull me to sleep in your arms with the songs you used to listen to.

I want to know. I want to know it. I want to know you.

The Sky is So Clear

October 17, 2017

It’s like a flat, solid-colored backdrop in a photo studio. It makes the buildings look photoshopped into the skyline, their cubical, mirrored faces reflecting the dull sunlight behind me. There’s not a trace of clouds as far as the eye could see over the horizon or hidden amongst the sparse downtown verdure.

It’s vivid and clear, like nothing could distort the perfection of what undoubtedly lay before my eyes, what story unreeled beneath me, surrounding me, making time itself slow to a gentle cruise.

When something like this manifests itself in my life, I’m astonished. I run, fearful for my life, my sake, my sanity, but all the while fascinated. Fearful, but fascinated. In disbelief of such a catastrophic yet constructive force of human existence. Terrifying, yet inhumanly beautiful.

Shaggy Chronicles: Demolition Day

September 16, 2017

I have taken an irreversible turn into the darkest downward spiral of natural human existence.

Tumbling, crumbling down come the walls against the immensely powerful force of human nature.

Sometimes, I’m okay with it. On days when it doesn’t apply to me or anyone I know, I’m okay with it. When I don’t have to worry about getting hurt or losing someone, I’m okay with it. If it happens to someone else, I’m okay with it. I’m totally fine with it.

But all of a sudden, when I’m at the forefront of the storm, I’m not okay with it. The wavering uncertainty and raging, tempestuous currents, I’m not okay with. I’m not okay with what awaits me after the crashing down of this petrifiying fate of mine upon my feeble, unrepaired walls. I’m not okay with it because I don’t know. I don’t know what it is, what to expect, if I should even expect anything. I’m not okay with wondering if this is really my fate and not knowing if I should flee for my life from this tsunami, this natural human disaster, to where I can find mundane safety and comfort.

I’m traumatized. I’ve been flooded with thoughts before; this isn’t new to me. Oceans have washed over me before. Tsunamis have made me doubt all that I am, my fortitude, my courage. But the fear, the possibilities, the variability is not new to me, yet, every time, it feels as though I’d never felt it before, the paling, petrifying trepidation.

I fear for my life from so potent a weapon that natural human disaster yields, to which every knee bends, and that which brings tears to eyes and races hearts.

But nothing can stop nature from taking its course.

I fell for him even harder when he wasn’t there

February 23, 2016 (Short Story)

It was just his family talking about him; maybe a mother really is everyone’s greatest fan because she made him sound like a great catch then.

She had asked a favor of me a week prior, some house chore she couldn’t do by herself but her husband was at work so he wouldn’t have been able to help. I naturally accepted and on the drive there, I didn’t give her son a second thought.

But when I arrived, his absence, his being away for school, seemed to make him the topic of conversation the whole night through the spaghetti dinner she insisted I stay for in return for helping out. He sounded like some business whiz, a real wunderkind in the manipulative world of finance and entrepreneurship. He sounded like a down-to-earth, kind-hearted gentleman, especially when his mother suddenly told me I’m in a collage of his close friends and family that hangs up in his dormitory. She said she saw it the last time she visited him at school a drive away. He never struck me as the sentimental type (especially one who remembers me on purpose), so it certainly came as a fresh breath of air with his formerly polarizing personality.

The thing is, that wouldn’t have been considered the first time I fell for him, or even the last time. You know that feeling you get when you see someone every so often, your attraction to them dies when they’re not around, but when you do see them or talk about them, you end up finding another compelling reason to be magnetized to them?

Seeing as I’ve known him for so long, I remember at a young, cooties-fearing age, I thought he was absolutely repulsive. Everything he did disgusted me, no matter what it was, talking, joking, the way he dressed, simply existing. I remember when we were still in junior high school, he pretended he had a supermodel high school girlfriend who fawned over him, showering him in gifts and kisses and I nearly hurled in his face. What crazy girl would like this guy?

But as we aged, I firmly believed it was mortal sin for him to actually become handsome, still rejecting such an artifact.

It got to a point where I’d grown out of such ideas and learned to appreciate him for his handsome personality, his genuinely kind, selfless heart.

It still hasn’t been a week, so I might just be having another one of those climactic moments before the attraction dies again, with the forces of reality and stress acting upon it this time.

But for now, I’ll indulge the illusion.

Bridge Closed Do Not Enter

August 9, 2017

The construction for the school’s skybridge to the second, more futuristic and spacey building is so painfully close to being finished but I can’t cross it until December.

I haven’t had a day as good as this in a long while. I couldn’t feel an ounce of anger for more than a minute, the rest of it was inexplicable and uncomplicated elation.

I spent almost the entire morning before my fourth exam browsing r/wholesomememes and r/wholesomecomics on Reddit, giggling to myself and emoting dramatically at the truly adorable and moving posts.

My heart was happy, so full. And I like to think that because of that, I did phenomenally well on my exam. My classmates pointed out to me how relaxed I apparently looked.

I suppose I was abnormally calm, especially before a test. It didn’t mean much to me until I started wondering why. I don’t know…

I haven’t been this happy since I wrote the story of meeting my first real love. In that story, I went to all extremes I’d imagined to meet him, years ahead, in an unknown world, with strangers all around. I powered through what I’m currently struggling with, I moved cities, states to be there. I braved the awkwardness of being in public but knowing not a single soul within the city limits. I had a chance and took it, I took that first, second, third step. Hell, I bolted for it. I burst out the front door and didn’t let that chance slip through my fingers again.

My heart was fluttery when I finished typing that one out this past May. I wouldn’t say I felt the exact same way as then, but this time around my heart felt weightless and if you tried to tie it down I’d have to apologize and tell you you had better luck at tracking down Nessie or surviving the inevitable apocalypse.

But, just for the record, as a somewhat random note, I tried to get an oil change but couldn’t because they were shortstaffed so I ended up grocery shopping for a serednipitous theme of purple items. And to top it off, I had a decent workout after so long staying off the treadmill. Productivity makes me happy.

Oh, and my honorary mom visited me, catching me up with her busy adult life.

I suppose today I can rest well, knowing I gained a little, gave a little, but mostly knowing that my heart is still capable of feeling so much of a wonderful, potent emotion.

Out of the Blue

August 7, 2017

“I used to always think I remembered everyone but no one remembered me…” She spoke bashfully, embarrassed about disappearing on him for a year and suddenly speaking up again. Her sentimentality brought memories back of an easy summer, an easier summer elective course, and the easiest exchanges with friends in new places.

She remembered he towered over her, but she could hardly remember his face. She knew he was from the valley and he fixed cars at his dad’s shop, which explained his heavily callused fingertips and palms. She remembered he’d be going to the same school as her later on, but she didn’t give it a second thought until she realized he wasn’t there with her. She remembered the grin that appeared on his face, dipping his chin, dimpling his cheeks, when he entered the classroom while she struck the piano keys and serenaded the class prior to roll call.

“I sometimes forget who people are after meeting so many…” His voice trailed off, a pensive, unreadable expression on his face. “But I remembered you.”