The Sky is So Clear

October 17, 2017

It’s like a flat, solid-colored backdrop in a photo studio. It makes the buildings look photoshopped into the skyline, their cubical, mirrored faces reflecting the dull sunlight behind me. There’s not a trace of clouds as far as the eye could see over the horizon or hidden amongst the sparse downtown verdure.

It’s vivid and clear, like nothing could distort the perfection of what undoubtedly lay before my eyes, what story unreeled beneath me, surrounding me, making time itself slow to a gentle cruise.

When something like this manifests itself in my life, I’m astonished. I run, fearful for my life, my sake, my sanity, but all the while fascinated. Fearful, but fascinated. In disbelief of such a catastrophic yet constructive force of human existence. Terrifying, yet inhumanly beautiful.

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Demolition Day

September 16, 2017

I have taken an irreversible turn into the darkest downward spiral of natural human existence.

Tumbling, crumbling down come the walls against the immensely powerful force of human nature.

Sometimes, I’m okay with it. On days when it doesn’t apply to me or anyone I know, I’m okay with it. When I don’t have to worry about getting hurt or losing someone, I’m okay with it. If it happens to someone else, I’m okay with it. I’m totally fine with it.

But all of a sudden, when I’m at the forefront of the storm, I’m not okay with it. The wavering uncertainty and raging, tempestuous currents, I’m not okay with. I’m not okay with what awaits me after the crashing down of this petrifiying fate of mine upon my feeble, unrepaired walls. I’m not okay with it because I don’t know. I don’t know what it is, what to expect, if I should even expect anything. I’m not okay with wondering if this is really my fate and not knowing if I should flee for my life from this tsunami, this natural human disaster, to where I can find mundane safety and comfort.

I’m traumatized. I’ve been flooded with thoughts before; this isn’t new to me. Oceans have washed over me before. Tsunamis have made me doubt all that I am, my fortitude, my courage. But the fear, the possibilities, the variability is not new to me, yet, every time, it feels as though I’d never felt it before, the paling, petrifying trepidation.

I fear for my life from so potent a weapon that natural human disaster yields, to which every knee bends, and that which brings tears to eyes and races hearts.

But nothing can stop nature from taking its course.

I fell for him even harder when he wasn’t there

February 23, 2016 (Short Story)

It was just his family talking about him; maybe a mother really is everyone’s greatest fan because she made him sound like a great catch then.

She had asked a favor of me a week prior, some house chore she couldn’t do by herself but her husband was at work so he wouldn’t have been able to help. I naturally accepted and on the drive there, I didn’t give her son a second thought.

But when I arrived, his absence, his being away for school, seemed to make him the topic of conversation the whole night through the spaghetti dinner she insisted I stay for in return for helping out. He sounded like some business whiz, a real wunderkind in the manipulative world of finance and entrepreneurship. He sounded like a down-to-earth, kind-hearted gentleman, especially when his mother suddenly told me I’m in a collage of his close friends and family that hangs up in his dormitory. She said she saw it the last time she visited him at school a drive away. He never struck me as the sentimental type (especially one who remembers me on purpose), so it certainly came as a fresh breath of air with his formerly polarizing personality.

The thing is, that wouldn’t have been considered the first time I fell for him, or even the last time. You know that feeling you get when you see someone every so often, your attraction to them dies when they’re not around, but when you do see them or talk about them, you end up finding another compelling reason to be magnetized to them?

Seeing as I’ve known him for so long, I remember at a young, cooties-fearing age, I thought he was absolutely repulsive. Everything he did disgusted me, no matter what it was, talking, joking, the way he dressed, simply existing. I remember when we were still in junior high school, he pretended he had a supermodel high school girlfriend who fawned over him, showering him in gifts and kisses and I nearly hurled in his face. What crazy girl would like this guy?

But as we aged, I firmly believed it was mortal sin for him to actually become handsome, still rejecting such an artifact.

It got to a point where I’d grown out of such ideas and learned to appreciate him for his handsome personality, his genuinely kind, selfless heart.

It still hasn’t been a week, so I might just be having another one of those climactic moments before the attraction dies again, with the forces of reality and stress acting upon it this time.

But for now, I’ll indulge the illusion.

Bridge Closed Do Not Enter

August 9, 2017

The construction for the school’s skybridge to the second, more futuristic and spacey building is so painfully close to being finished but I can’t cross it until December.

I haven’t had a day as good as this in a long while. I couldn’t feel an ounce of anger for more than a minute, the rest of it was inexplicable and uncomplicated elation.

I spent almost the entire morning before my fourth exam browsing r/wholesomememes and r/wholesomecomics on Reddit, giggling to myself and emoting dramatically at the truly adorable and moving posts.

My heart was happy, so full. And I like to think that because of that, I did phenomenally well on my exam. My classmates pointed out to me how relaxed I apparently looked.

I suppose I was abnormally calm, especially before a test. It didn’t mean much to me until I started wondering why. I don’t know…

I haven’t been this happy since I wrote the story of meeting my first real love. In that story, I went to all extremes I’d imagined to meet him, years ahead, in an unknown world, with strangers all around. I powered through what I’m currently struggling with, I moved cities, states to be there. I braved the awkwardness of being in public but knowing not a single soul within the city limits. I had a chance and took it, I took that first, second, third step. Hell, I bolted for it. I burst out the front door and didn’t let that chance slip through my fingers again.

My heart was fluttery when I finished typing that one out this past May. I wouldn’t say I felt the exact same way as then, but this time around my heart felt weightless and if you tried to tie it down I’d have to apologize and tell you you had better luck at tracking down Nessie or surviving the inevitable apocalypse.

But, just for the record, as a somewhat random note, I tried to get an oil change but couldn’t because they were shortstaffed so I ended up grocery shopping for a serednipitous theme of purple items. And to top it off, I had a decent workout after so long staying off the treadmill. Productivity makes me happy.

Oh, and my honorary mom visited me, catching me up with her busy adult life.

I suppose today I can rest well, knowing I gained a little, gave a little, but mostly knowing that my heart is still capable of feeling so much of a wonderful, potent emotion.

Out of the Blue

August 7, 2017

“I used to always think I remembered everyone but no one remembered me…” She spoke bashfully, embarrassed about disappearing on him for a year and suddenly speaking up again. Her sentimentality brought memories back of an easy summer, an easier summer elective course, and the easiest exchanges with friends in new places.

She remembered he towered over her, but she could hardly remember his face. She knew he was from the valley and he fixed cars at his dad’s shop, which explained his heavily callused fingertips and palms. She remembered he’d be going to the same school as her later on, but she didn’t give it a second thought until she realized he wasn’t there with her. She remembered the grin that appeared on his face, dipping his chin, dimpling his cheeks, when he entered the classroom while she struck the piano keys and serenaded the class prior to roll call.

“I sometimes forget who people are after meeting so many…” His voice trailed off, a pensive, unreadable expression on his face. “But I remembered you.”

-swoon-

See You Soon

July 27, 2017

You distract me, but I’m distracted without you.

Tatiana couldn’t have said it better. And I’m really not a coffee drinker, but you make me feel like I need it, exhausting my brain power with your lovely smile, your mesmerizing, hazel eyes.

You make me dizzy with wonder, fill my eyes with stars. My pulses hammer at the thought of you. My head becomes airy and the ground threatens to catch me when I swoon. My feet lose coordination and walking suddenly becomes a challenge.

It makes me stumble. It makes me stupid. It makes me talkative and awkward as hell. It makes me get lost in familiar places, walk circles when I know the way. It knocks down my barriers and my common sense, as if I know nothing at all.

I love it. I love the feeling I get when you’re in my head, taking all control of my thoughts and conscience. I love it when you’re all I want to look forward to. I love that unreadable expression you have about you when I meet your eyes.

I wish I could know where this is going, but I’m also glad I don’t.

My Compass

June 9, 2017

I just want to know if I’m following the correct path. There’s nothing more unsettling than knowing, or not knowing rather, I’m going down a path that could or could not be the right one. There are so many reasons why or why not I’d be happy to change routes or continue on this unpaved, undiscovered path. I would live passively, but even passiveness necessitates a heading.

Hearing the criticism, the opinions, the insight from my peers and mentors alike, I’m torn between what should happen and what I’m hoping will happen.

Should I only follow where the compass points, to the north? Something else calls me by my name, but I still have no clear image or direction from where that birdsong originates.

My Life in Your Hands

June 6, 2017

I feel absolutely clueless around you, like I know nothing, nothing other than how to creatively represent my cluelessness with words, like I know nothing other than how to love and how to hide it or show it. I’m as intellectual as a blade of grass when it comes to the thought of you. I’m as sturdy and solid as water at room temperature when it comes to talking about you.

I’d trust you with my life, if it were up to me. I’d give you my heart at its beat, my soul on a silver platter, just to show you how much you mean to me. If I dropped to the floor right now, I’d trust you can catch me, coming from wherever, just to see to it that I don’t hurt myself.

I know you’d take care of me—I see it in your expression whether I unintentionally meet your eyes or simply feel your gaze on the back of my head, so confident in every other conversation but the one between you and me.

Pt. 1: In the Absence of Light

May 16, 2017

Down days make you feel like no matter which way you divide up the time you have to wait to make your dreams come true, it’s still going to take the same amount of time—too much time. It’ll be like the suffering you have to go through is never going to be enough, the perpetual struggle you’ll just have to endure because it has started and it won’t stop as far as the eye can see. It’ll make everything seem worse than it already is, make every pain hurt more than it probably would have been in any other situation. It’ll make you feel like you’re more alone than you ever have been, the desperation for company and the emptiness of voids in your heart aching you to the bone, wondering, “why does it have to be like this?”

People, places, faces, times you thought you knew change, disfigure their forms, mutate themselves in the absence of daytime, of sunlight, into something condescending, horrifying, utterly… unattractive in character and spirit, something unempathetic and torturous. You suddenly find yourself lost, misguided and so very alone. You catch a glimpse of your reflection every so often, wondering if anyone else would be as unfamiliar with the face that returned the gaze as you are.

The best you can do is survive until the next sunrise comes, whenever that may be, looking towards the future, anticipating all it has to provide for you. Continue trudging along, wade in the grime of exhaustion and perseverance.

You may inspire someone to follow in your footsteps.

Gemstone

April 14, 2017

Sifting through mounds of jewels and shells alike, piled high, the search amongst silver and labradorite continued until sunset was due.

Countless replicas and faceted glass replaced genuine stones, falling between my fingers like a cascading waterfall. Every so often, a sediment found in nature revealed itself–Persian turquoise cast into hammered sterling silver, an antique finish over top. I found the beauty I had been searching for.

And so should I you.