Four Pennies

September 18, 2017

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the selfless, kind woman who emptied her pockets to pay for me to send a letter.

Or the sweet smiles exchanged between the clerks and customers.

Or the habitual but meaningful walks to the parking lot with my classmates, griping about our mutual disdain for busywork.

Or the class’s uneasy laughter and comic relief.

Or the casual conversations about post office boxes and nothing else in particular.

Or the momentary fluttering of my heart at the thought of my future.

It was another darn good day.

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Demolition Day

September 16, 2017

I have taken an irreversible turn into the darkest downward spiral of natural human existence.

Tumbling, crumbling down come the walls against the immensely powerful force of human nature.

Sometimes, I’m okay with it. On days when it doesn’t apply to me or anyone I know, I’m okay with it. When I don’t have to worry about getting hurt or losing someone, I’m okay with it. If it happens to someone else, I’m okay with it. I’m totally fine with it.

But all of a sudden, when I’m at the forefront of the storm, I’m not okay with it. The wavering uncertainty and raging, tempestuous currents, I’m not okay with. I’m not okay with what awaits me after the crashing down of this petrifiying fate of mine upon my feeble, unrepaired walls. I’m not okay with it because I don’t know. I don’t know what it is, what to expect, if I should even expect anything. I’m not okay with wondering if this is really my fate and not knowing if I should flee for my life from this tsunami, this natural human disaster, to where I can find mundane safety and comfort.

I’m traumatized. I’ve been flooded with thoughts before; this isn’t new to me. Oceans have washed over me before. Tsunamis have made me doubt all that I am, my fortitude, my courage. But the fear, the possibilities, the variability is not new to me, yet, every time, it feels as though I’d never felt it before, the paling, petrifying trepidation.

I fear for my life from so potent a weapon that natural human disaster yields, to which every knee bends, and that which brings tears to eyes and races hearts.

But nothing can stop nature from taking its course.

I fell for him even harder when he wasn’t there

February 23, 2016 (Short Story)

It was just his family talking about him; maybe a mother really is everyone’s greatest fan because she made him sound like a great catch then.

She had asked a favor of me a week prior, some house chore she couldn’t do by herself but her husband was at work so he wouldn’t have been able to help. I naturally accepted and on the drive there, I didn’t give her son a second thought.

But when I arrived, his absence, his being away for school, seemed to make him the topic of conversation the whole night through the spaghetti dinner she insisted I stay for in return for helping out. He sounded like some business whiz, a real wunderkind in the manipulative world of finance and entrepreneurship. He sounded like a down-to-earth, kind-hearted gentleman, especially when his mother suddenly told me I’m in a collage of his close friends and family that hangs up in his dormitory. She said she saw it the last time she visited him at school a drive away. He never struck me as the sentimental type (especially one who remembers me on purpose), so it certainly came as a fresh breath of air with his formerly polarizing personality.

The thing is, that wouldn’t have been considered the first time I fell for him, or even the last time. You know that feeling you get when you see someone every so often, your attraction to them dies when they’re not around, but when you do see them or talk about them, you end up finding another compelling reason to be magnetized to them?

Seeing as I’ve known him for so long, I remember at a young, cooties-fearing age, I thought he was absolutely repulsive. Everything he did disgusted me, no matter what it was, talking, joking, the way he dressed, simply existing. I remember when we were still in junior high school, he pretended he had a supermodel high school girlfriend who fawned over him, showering him in gifts and kisses and I nearly hurled in his face. What crazy girl would like this guy?

But as we aged, I firmly believed it was mortal sin for him to actually become handsome, still rejecting such an artifact.

It got to a point where I’d grown out of such ideas and learned to appreciate him for his handsome personality, his genuinely kind, selfless heart.

It still hasn’t been a week, so I might just be having another one of those climactic moments before the attraction dies again, with the forces of reality and stress acting upon it this time.

But for now, I’ll indulge the illusion.

Oh, My God

September 9, 2017

I must be going crazy. I should give it a week, right? Before I make any drastic decisions? Before I confess anything to myself?

But you’ve been filling my mind because you’re everything I’ve dreamt of in a person! After a week, you’ll still be the same person, but I just wonder if I’ll still think of you the way I have been…

I want to tell you, I so want to tell you something. But I have to wait a week. Usually these spells wear off after a week. I can wait a week.

Or maybe I can’t. I don’t know. I don’t want to wait. They say when you like someone, you should tell them, don’t waste time, don’t over-think it. I don’t want to wait either, but I also do.

I suppose it’d be best to wait a week before accepting this as a real feeling; uncomfortable and awkward, sometimes painful, situations come from rash decisions.

My brother and I had ventured to your house one time, trying to fiddle with the telescope so we could catch a glimpse of the Moon’s rocky surface. We weren’t sure if it worked, but when it began calibrating, we all leapt around in excitement, then you grabbed me in a quick, tight hug but immediately let me go when you realized what you were doing.

I brought you a red velvet and cream cheese cake one time. Because I remembered you liked it and I hoped to bring a smile to your face. I highly doubt you remember it. I highly doubt you even knew I brought it for you.

When we were still in high school, I remember calling you out of nowhere to rant about my life and get advice about marching band, blabbing for two hours or so. I spoke more than I listened but it didn’t seem to bother you one bit. I felt so relieved afterward. At least, I think I did.

And I remember one time, I visited your house and took up your mother’s offer for dinner with her and your grandmother while your father was occupied at the office and you were far, far away for school. I think I fell for you then, too. But I eventually got over it.

And another time, while helping clean your house, your mother was overjoyed about how I didn’t trash her precious photo album collections that were ruined in the great flood; I told her I didn’t have the heart to.

I’ve known you for a very, very long time, but I don’t want to lose you, lose your lovely company simply at the mercy of my yearning, floaty heart. I want to hug you, wrap my arms around your chest and forget about the awful reality around me.

You surround me with comfort and safety, with a certainty unlike any other I’ve experienced. From you, I know I’ll feel the devotion, the gravity of selfless deeds that laymen may undermine or disregard.

You remember the little things, the minute details of memories, the inside jokes, the anecdotes. It makes my heart all giddy knowing you remember them, too.

I see highly of you. I don’t know how I’d possibly scale the wall to reach something more than the lovely pleasure of knowing you on a quarterly-reunion basis. It’s intimidating, it’s daunting. I don’t know if I’d even make it halfway. There are so many opportunities for failure, too much risk for repercussions. I’ll never know until I try, right? Hell, I’m just too afraid to try!

But so long as I was able to impress you and potentially bring a smile to your face, maybe even an endearing chuckle, then I can live happily another day.

Lovely

September 8, 2017

I’ve known you, quite literally, all my life since we were born, yet I still feel like I hardly know you at all; I’m still learning more about you, 20 years later. It was so nice, just wonderful, in the passenger seat of your car while we drove, listening to and laughing at each other’s anecdotes about creepy, stalker-ish neighbors and trudging through the pouring rain.

It was so nice, just wonderful. It was like I had a best friend again, a best friend I could watch the peaceful sunset with, explore remote or empty places with, share my boring stories with. You remembered things from times I was almost certain you didn’t care about me or anything I did. You encouraged me, supported me more than I never would have expected from you. You were actually excited for me, excited for my life’s plans, dreams.

It genuinely surprised me. It was so nice, just wonderful. You wanted to help me work towards my dreams. You looked forward to my company, or at least you made it seem like you did.

I’m drowning in curiosity now; I’ve been terrified of telling people how I feel because, well… I don’t know. But there’s too much emotion in my heart to keep it in. I wonder what would come of it, if my musings could’ve been right all along.

But what we are right now—I don’t want to ruin it, whatever it is.

It’s so nice, just wonderful.

How far I’ve come

August 30, 2017

Just how far have I come? A year later and I honestly couldn’t tell you. I started this blog sometime spring of 2016, but didn’t post on it until the beginning of August. I’ve had my heart broken several times, had my trust betrayed more than I’d like to say, lost close friends and relationships built on false premise, and I’ve felt totally abandoned more than I’ve felt safe in the company of loved ones.

But I’ve never wished I had a different life.

Because in another life, I wouldn’t have these dreams; I wouldn’t even know about them. In another life, I wouldn’t have these hardships, so I wouldn’t ever learn how to get through them. In another life, sure, maybe I would’ve been a little less miserable, but I would never have recognized what good things can come of despair.

It sucks. I’ve said it before. It really, really sucks.

But whether or not this life I’m living at this very moment is fully mine, I’m still learning how to take it by the reins and believe me, when I do, this life will be mine and no power or force of nature will have the capacity to take it from me because I will get away, I will distance myself, I will meet the world with a battle cry and live the way I damn well deserve to live. It may be a while, but just you wait and see.

Without Warning

August 16, 2017

You don’t know what relief it brings to see a familiar face after so long lost in a dizzying world composed of madmen and medical didacticisms, both holding an unconvincing and empty promise of excellence, dart-eyed, unmet gazes cast towards the ground beneath their feet instead of confidently held down their noses.

I actually smiled the moment I realised I wasn’t alone, and that I did, in fact, live the life of a younger woman and ignorant bliss did exist for me previously. I felt I was in good company for once after so long forgetting what company felt like at all.

But for once, I had a glimpse of a free-spirited past, the lost tale of a girl with dreams bigger than her. For once, my mind overlooked the prospect of graduation and the dreadful workload each semester brought. I’d forgotten nearly all that ailed my aching heart. I’ve spent so long trying to recall what pure bliss brought to my senses, how it looked, how it felt, how it sounded, and I’d just been given an intangible taste of na├»ve happiness, temporarily renouncing my apprehensions and doubts about the future. I’d even forgotten the time.

My mind has grown much too quickly for my body. I’ve become deathly afraid of repeating past mistakes, ruining my reputation, taking blind steps through darkness and in turn, leaving behind many chances for wonderful, blossoming, untameable joy. And in the absence of such magnificence for so long a time, it’s like my slate has been wiped clean, immaculate, untouched with experiences, as though they never occurred, merely figments of my erratic mind, living vicariously through others.

Sometimes, my young heart longs for warmth and compassion, but my old mind reminds me just what costs must be paid for so invaluable an item.

It was nice, what brief time it lasted.

Bridge Closed Do Not Enter

August 9, 2017

The construction for the school’s skybridge to the second, more futuristic and spacey building is so painfully close to being finished but I can’t cross it until December.

I haven’t had a day as good as this in a long while. I couldn’t feel an ounce of anger for more than a minute, the rest of it was inexplicable and uncomplicated elation.

I spent almost the entire morning before my fourth exam browsing r/wholesomememes and r/wholesomecomics on Reddit, giggling to myself and emoting dramatically at the truly adorable and moving posts.

My heart was happy, so full. And I like to think that because of that, I did phenomenally well on my exam. My classmates pointed out to me how relaxed I apparently looked.

I suppose I was abnormally calm, especially before a test. It didn’t mean much to me until I started wondering why. I don’t know…

I haven’t been this happy since I wrote the story of meeting my first real love. In that story, I went to all extremes I’d imagined to meet him, years ahead, in an unknown world, with strangers all around. I powered through what I’m currently struggling with, I moved cities, states to be there. I braved the awkwardness of being in public but knowing not a single soul within the city limits. I had a chance and took it, I took that first, second, third step. Hell, I bolted for it. I burst out the front door and didn’t let that chance slip through my fingers again.

My heart was fluttery when I finished typing that one out this past May. I wouldn’t say I felt the exact same way as then, but this time around my heart felt weightless and if you tried to tie it down I’d have to apologize and tell you you had better luck at tracking down Nessie or surviving the inevitable apocalypse.

But, just for the record, as a somewhat random note, I tried to get an oil change but couldn’t because they were shortstaffed so I ended up grocery shopping for a serednipitous theme of purple items. And to top it off, I had a decent workout after so long staying off the treadmill. Productivity makes me happy.

Oh, and my honorary mom visited me, catching me up with her busy adult life.

I suppose today I can rest well, knowing I gained a little, gave a little, but mostly knowing that my heart is still capable of feeling so much of a wonderful, potent emotion.

Out of the Blue

August 7, 2017

“I used to always think I remembered everyone but no one remembered me…” She spoke bashfully, embarrassed about disappearing on him for a year and suddenly speaking up again. Her sentimentality brought memories back of an easy summer, an easier summer elective course, and the easiest exchanges with friends in new places.

She remembered he towered over her, but she could hardly remember his face. She knew he was from the valley and he fixed cars at his dad’s shop, which explained his heavily callused fingertips and palms. She remembered he’d be going to the same school as her later on, but she didn’t give it a second thought until she realized he wasn’t there with her. She remembered the grin that appeared on his face, dipping his chin, dimpling his cheeks, when he entered the classroom while she struck the piano keys and serenaded the class prior to roll call.

“I sometimes forget who people are after meeting so many…” His voice trailed off, a pensive, unreadable expression on his face. “But I remembered you.”

-swoon-

Skybridge

August 1, 2017

At this moment in time, I was writing about my life while studying how to save one in the sweetest town I know, thinking these thoughts about exactly one year’s worth of history and growth. Walking on the skybridge makes me really see the bigger picture, why I’m enduring this, what is pushing me towards the end goal that I discovered and swore I’d dedicate my life to last year.

The sheriff’s big white SUV stood ready at the reins, the sky was a cloudy blue. I tended to the disfigured energies and brought a sweet thing out of something worrisome and disdainful all the while realizing the world is smaller than I previously thought, as I stared at a woman’s familiar short figure and cropped black hair and her son stared equally blankly while the recognition slowly melded into his expression.

I met some sweet people, young folk and their elders, all with the same mission of going home.

That is what was going on in my life, future me. I hope you cherish every moment just like I am now.