Without Warning

August 16, 2017

You don’t know what relief it brings to see a familiar face after so long lost in a dizzying world composed of madmen and medical didacticisms, both holding an unconvincing and empty promise of excellence, dart-eyed, unmet gazes cast towards the ground beneath their feet instead of confidently held down their noses.

I actually smiled the moment I realised I wasn’t alone, and that I did, in fact, live the life of a younger woman and ignorant bliss did exist for me previously. I felt I was in good company for once after so long forgetting what company felt like at all.

But for once, I had a glimpse of a free-spirited past, the lost tale of a girl with dreams bigger than her. For once, my mind overlooked the prospect of graduation and the dreadful workload each semester brought. I’d forgotten nearly all that ailed my aching heart. I’ve spent so long trying to recall what pure bliss brought to my senses, how it looked, how it felt, how it sounded, and I’d just been given an intangible taste of naïve happiness, temporarily renouncing my apprehensions and doubts about the future. I’d even forgotten the time.

My mind has grown much too quickly for my body. I’ve become deathly afraid of repeating past mistakes, ruining my reputation, taking blind steps through darkness and in turn, leaving behind many chances for wonderful, blossoming, untameable joy. And in the absence of such magnificence for so long a time, it’s like my slate has been wiped clean, immaculate, untouched with experiences, as though they never occurred, merely figments of my erratic mind, living vicariously through others.

Sometimes, my young heart longs for warmth and compassion, but my old mind reminds me just what costs must be paid for so invaluable an item.

It was nice, what brief time it lasted.

Bridge Closed Do Not Enter

August 9, 2017

The construction for the school’s skybridge to the second, more futuristic and spacey building is so painfully close to being finished but I can’t cross it until December.

I haven’t had a day as good as this in a long while. I couldn’t feel an ounce of anger for more than a minute, the rest of it was inexplicable and uncomplicated elation.

I spent almost the entire morning before my fourth exam browsing r/wholesomememes and r/wholesomecomics on Reddit, giggling to myself and emoting dramatically at the truly adorable and moving posts.

My heart was happy, so full. And I like to think that because of that, I did phenomenally well on my exam. My classmates pointed out to me how relaxed I apparently looked.

I suppose I was abnormally calm, especially before a test. It didn’t mean much to me until I started wondering why. I don’t know…

I haven’t been this happy since I wrote the story of meeting my first real love. In that story, I went to all extremes I’d imagined to meet him, years ahead, in an unknown world, with strangers all around. I powered through what I’m currently struggling with, I moved cities, states to be there. I braved the awkwardness of being in public but knowing not a single soul within the city limits. I had a chance and took it, I took that first, second, third step. Hell, I bolted for it. I burst out the front door and didn’t let that chance slip through my fingers again.

My heart was fluttery when I finished typing that one out this past May. I wouldn’t say I felt the exact same way as then, but this time around my heart felt weightless and if you tried to tie it down I’d have to apologize and tell you you had better luck at tracking down Nessie or surviving the inevitable apocalypse.

But, just for the record, as a somewhat random note, I tried to get an oil change but couldn’t because they were shortstaffed so I ended up grocery shopping for a serednipitous theme of purple items. And to top it off, I had a decent workout after so long staying off the treadmill. Productivity makes me happy.

Oh, and my honorary mom visited me, catching me up with her busy adult life.

I suppose today I can rest well, knowing I gained a little, gave a little, but mostly knowing that my heart is still capable of feeling so much of a wonderful, potent emotion.

Out of the Blue

August 7, 2017

“I used to always think I remembered everyone but no one remembered me…” She spoke bashfully, embarrassed about disappearing on him for a year and suddenly speaking up again. Her sentimentality brought memories back of an easy summer, an easier summer elective course, and the easiest exchanges with friends in new places.

She remembered he towered over her, but she could hardly remember his face. She knew he was from the valley and he fixed cars at his dad’s shop, which explained his heavily callused fingertips and palms. She remembered he’d be going to the same school as her later on, but she didn’t give it a second thought until she realized he wasn’t there with her. She remembered the grin that appeared on his face, dipping his chin, dimpling his cheeks, when he entered the classroom while she struck the piano keys and serenaded the class prior to roll call.

“I sometimes forget who people are after meeting so many…” His voice trailed off, a pensive, unreadable expression on his face. “But I remembered you.”

-swoon-

Skybridge

August 1, 2017

At this moment in time, I was writing about my life while studying how to save one in the sweetest town I know, thinking these thoughts about exactly one year’s worth of history and growth. Walking on the skybridge makes me really see the bigger picture, why I’m enduring this, what is pushing me towards the end goal that I discovered and swore I’d dedicate my life to last year.

The sheriff’s big white SUV stood ready at the reins, the sky was a cloudy blue. I tended to the disfigured energies and brought a sweet thing out of something worrisome and disdainful all the while realizing the world is smaller than I previously thought, as I stared at a woman’s familiar short figure and cropped black hair and her son stared equally blankly while the recognition slowly melded into his expression.

I met some sweet people, young folk and their elders, all with the same mission of going home.

That is what was going on in my life, future me. I hope you cherish every moment just like I am now.

See You Soon

July 27, 2017

You distract me, but I’m distracted without you.

Tatiana couldn’t have said it better. And I’m really not a coffee drinker, but you make me feel like I need it, exhausting my brain power with your lovely smile, your mesmerizing, hazel eyes.

You make me dizzy with wonder, fill my eyes with stars. My pulses hammer at the thought of you. My head becomes airy and the ground threatens to catch me when I swoon. My feet lose coordination and walking suddenly becomes a challenge.

It makes me stumble. It makes me stupid. It makes me talkative and awkward as hell. It makes me get lost in familiar places, walk circles when I know the way. It knocks down my barriers and my common sense, as if I know nothing at all.

I love it. I love the feeling I get when you’re in my head, taking all control of my thoughts and conscience. I love it when you’re all I want to look forward to. I love that unreadable expression you have about you when I meet your eyes.

I wish I could know where this is going, but I’m also glad I don’t.

In Musing

July 26, 3017

You could ask me what I’m doing and never again will I be able to give you an answer. The likelihood of me understanding what I’m supposed to be doing is very slim because the number of things going through my mind at any give moment is almost stupid. Maybe that’s why I’m so exhausted all the time.

I don’t know who to look out for, what to look out for, when to expect something to happen, where my fate will take me…

But I suppose that’s the glory of being naive, letting destiny take your life down the path it was meant for, watching the flowers blossom and stories play out before your unknowing eyes without intervention. Expecting less and less from yourself and from the rest of the world around you. It makes you appreciate the things that do happen, the miracles, the coincidences, the serendipity, the mahmilapinatapei…

My Tale

July 22, 2017

You wouldn’t believe the number of plots and notes and songs and free-verse poems I’ve written about the same story. The exact same story.

Just by remembering fragments of it here and there, still seeing the vivid images in my mind from that day, I can always find a new way to tell it. I have dreams about it, I think about it so much.

I write about that day, almost exactly as it happened. I write about my thoughts going on that day, after that day, my thoughts that led up to that day. I write about what happened after that day, what could’ve happened after that day, what could happen after that day. All the different scenarios, layouts of the same plot. All the ways that could possibly explain that day. Everything that could and couldn’t happen for me to simply relive that day. Every quest I’d undertake to slow time, to tell the future, to go back in time. Every wish I made come true or not regarding that day.

I can’t say I’ve ever dedicated so much to anything in my life or in the lives of me in the stories and poems. I can’t attribute anything else to my success greater than that day. Nothing has made me so determined to pummel through all the pain and adversity along the way.

And honestly, I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing to have in my life.

In a way that’s not possible

July 14, 2017

Every day closer to a year after it happened, the more worried, the more anxious I get. Make it stop, stop time, stop the clock, I just want to turn it around, go back to 2016, when I was still so naïve, when I was so brave, when I still had a fighting chance.

I’ve changed since last year. I’ve learned so much about people, how manipulative they can be, but also how wonderful. I’ve become too old for my body and I have too much of my life planned ahead of me. I’ve realized that some dreams are so out-of-reach that it would take a miracle for it to happen, or a sort of divine intervention, and there is nothing my mortal hand can do about it.

Every day further, every day closer to a year later, I’m more terrified. Of what? I don’t know.

Hey

July 11, 2017

I don’t know what to feel when someone says this word to me. It could either be a good or bad reason behind speaking it.

Hey, can I ask you a question about the test review?

Hey, will you be able to pick me up from the airport tomorrow at 4 in the morning before your class?

Hey, can I borrow five dollars?

Hey, can you email the answers from all the quizzes to me?

Hey, do you want to grab dinner?

Hey, will you be free tomorrow to hang?

Hey, you look tired today.

Hey, get your feet off the chair.

Hey, I got your email.

Over time, it lost its meaning but there’s only one that still melts my heart, said with any voice in any language from any person…

Hey…

You’re going to be alright.

Bora Bora

July 10, 2017

No, not like the island.

Like the scent of car freshener my brother and dad selected for me when I told them I’d like a “tropical” aroma for my car.

You know, honestly, I can’t even be upset about the grade I got on one of my check-offs in lab today (mostly because that grade will become diluted with the other awesome grades I’ve been getting all semester). But from the moment I left the building to the moment I opened the trunk of my car to the scent of island-y landscapes and beach-y flora, my smile only grew bigger, my heart only lighter.

I don’t know if it’s because of the absence of drama in my life that I very much appreciate or because I’ve become the type of person who says, “Ah, whatever. Better luck next time,” to most mishaps and pitfalls I’m confronted by. Or maybe it’s because of the people in my life?

No matter what the case, I’m very grateful and lately I’ve been more open and appreciative of the things I’d taken for granted every day.

Thank goodness I’ve got all my senses intact, I can walk, I can talk and sing and write. Thank the stars I’ve got enthusiasm and passion for something, and that it drives me through the toughest times I’ve ever gone through in this short time I’ve been on the planet. Thank the heavens I’ve got people who help me, financially, emotionally, academically, all with the willingness and ability to do so.

But really, thanks to whoever invented this reminder of a place on a long, long list of other places I intend to visit after all this, with its floral and faintly citrus-like fragrance that makes me forget all my problems and brings a toothy grin to my face every time.